Sorry this is so long, but I needed to get the whole story down and straight in my head. Everything that happened to me yesterday was consensual.
Yesterday was a rough day. I have a lot of those. After I blogged about my BDSM play from the night before. I texted my play partner, Alan, to see how he was doing. “I’m Ok,”he said, “you do remember we can’t see each other?” So much for him not being sure. I knew this time had been the last and I felt loss. Sometimes for me, it is hard to determine the difference between grieving a loss and a depression looming. I was sad, really, really sad. And I was disappointed. I hate not getting my way. In case that wasn’t enough. An ex things had ended badly with was poking at me on a public forum. He called me a predatory sub and a trouble maker. And after last night, I had kind of felt like one. Worst of all, I had really wanted to play with Charlie, my Love, my Sir, my partner. But, we have been on a rocky road for a really, really long time. Charlie had told me last night that I was needy and insecure for the umpteenth time. I was hurt and angry. I felt neglected and misunderstood. I had asked HIM to play with me (hurt me) first and he had said maybe he would tomorrow. Well, now it was tomorrow and my ass stung a little, but my ego a little more. I needed Sir! I waited and waited, needing him more and more, holding the need to collapse into a ball of moans and tears until I could do it in his arms. I waited for him to listen to all my problems and give me clarity. I waited so long that my need for him turned back into anger and entitlement.
You see, before Charlie was my boyfriend, he was my Dom only. He gave me all my training as a sub and I fell in love with him before he fell in love with me. I haven’t officially been his sub for over two years (A different story for a different time). Nor anyone else’s for that matter. I am rusty. Apparently, I need “re-training”.
When Charlie finally arrived, I was so upset I wouldn’t answer the door. “Why should I answer the door,” I thought. “He is my boyfriend. He has a key to the house. Why is he even knocking.” This is not only a bit of brat mode, but also what we like to call “littling” in the BDSM community. In the mental health field, it’s called regression to a child like state. So, I absolutely wanted him to find me lying there, angry, sad, and pathetic. And I wanted him to feel bad for it. Charlie doesn’t like littles. I never even knew I had that side to me until I started exploring with other dominants.
“Hey Grumpy,” he said. I wouldn’t even make eye contact with him. I tried to stay mad I really did. But I couldn’t last long. Cause the need for him rushed back. I told him about my horrible day. How Alan didn’t want to see me anymore. How I had only wanted Alan for pain because Charlie wouldn’t give it to me. “We had already talked about it,” he said, “You couldn’t wait until today”. “But you wouldn’t say for sure,” I whined, ” you said ‘we will see what happens’.” He just looked at me with that knowing look on his face. I feel bare, exposed. He knows me so well. Better than anyone. Sometimes better than myself. And I know he is right. I know I was bad. Sir probably did want to hurt me himself and I slapped him in the face by getting it from someone else before he could. And now I had the audacity to blame him for the discomfort it caused! But I am good at my games and I wasn’t ready to back down yet. In the years since I gave up Charlie’s collar, I have dated a lot of Daddy types. Maybe I have gotten a little spoiled. On top of that, when Charlie had realized he was in love with me, something he always kept separate from D/s, I began to feel I had more power over him. Even though, I have been begging him to let me be his sub again, I have gotten spoiled. Lucky for me I was about to get my first lesson.
“Plus, you were sick! So I figured you wouldn’t be up for it,” I added with a frowny pout. I told him about my ex calling me names. He told me not to worry, to let him burn his own bridges. I told him how I felt like the names were true. I was a predatory sub, because I had already known Alan was trying to stay away from me and he had been so angry that he came over anyway. “He asked what I had said to get him to come. “Do you want to hurt me?” I replied in a bratty voice and I couldn’t hide a little smile, a little pride that I had gotten my way. “I knew he couldn’t say no,” I declared. ” Well did he say no? and then you kept asking him?” No. “Then you weren’t being a predator,” he replied. I was relieved. I asked him what I was going to do and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck while he held me. “I need someone to hurt me! I want it to be you. But you won’t,” I said. I grabbed his hands. I gazed pleadingly into his eyes. “Do you want to hurt me?” I begged. “Do you want to hurt me!” I demanded. First he teased me about how I had already gotten someone to hurt me. Then, he looked at me sternly and said, “You know I want to. I have told you that is the direction I have been heading, but you don’t want to wait. I think you need re-training” I can’t argue with him anymore. We both know he is right. My pout drops, my furrow falls, I give him my best meek, embarrassed face, and I apologize.
We kept talking. I don’t remember at what point in the conversation my lesson started. Only that he picked me up, flipped me around so he was above me. Grabbed my neck, cupped his fingers around my mouth and chin, while using his other hand to squeeze the side of my thigh so that pain burned just in that one spot. He said, “I think that you spend too much time worrying about what you want. I think that you should start focusing a little more on what makes me happy.”He said it in a hard, cruel tone that makes my heart flutter and my body melt. “Yes, Sir,” I sputtered through clamped down teeth and squished lips. He continued, “Because, I told you that I would give you all the time I had to give. And I have. But it doesn’t make you happy. Does it?”And he squeezed me again, harder and waited for me to answer. “No, Sir, I said”. “From now on I want to see you focusing more on what makes me happy. Do you understand?” “Yes,Sir” I mumbled. Every time I gave the correct answer, I got a brief break from the pain. “But,” I started quietly, “I have been really struggling with that, Sir.” I wanted to be brave and honest. So, I continued, “I don’t want it to be about pleasing you. I want it to be all about me.” He again gripped my flesh again and squeezed. “That’s right,” he growled in my ear,”You want it to be all about you and it has been for a long time. I have given you more of my time and you’re not happy. You always want more. You get more and your not happy. Do you think,”he asks hurting me more and more, “that if you got everything you wanted from me you would be happy?” I didn’t answer right away. I was tempted to say yes. But this is what made me happy: yielding to him, learning from him, and letting him mold me. So, I mumbled in a cute voice, “maybe”. He pressed me against the couch and replied, “No, you won’t be happy. I know, because your not happy now, no matter how much you get. I think that the only way you can really be happy is to learn to accept what you have. You need to learn to be happy with what you have right now. And the only way you can learn that is by forgetting about what you want and focusing on making me happy.” And I surrendered completely, heart and soul. I always do in the end. Because even if I didn’t like it, it made sense. How could I learn to respect and obey him again, if I wouldn’t listen? I can’t MAKE him give me his collar again. His collar is earned through submission. I wish I could remember what he said word for word. Maybe it won’t make sense as I relay it.
I pledged to stop trying to make myself happy and start doing what he wants, what makes him happy. And I was happy to do it. Then he turned me over, pulled down my pants, and gave me the opportunity to practice. I put all my needs aside and let him have me: how, when, and where he wanted. I end up on the floor face in the carpet. I hear him softly behind me.”Ok, lets go in on the bed,” he says. I pushed onto my hands and knees and crawled. In the bedroom he picked me up off my hands and knees and pushed me onto the bed. I recommitted to my surrender and enjoyed every moment of his violent domination. When I had been pushed and pushed to me furthest limit, I muttered apologetically “yellow”. And I looked up embarrassed. I saw his mouth open into a one sided grin that I recognizes as deep satisfaction. He had defeated me, dissolved all my willpower, taken every last bit of my fight out of me and he took just a little more. And my lesson was complete. In the beginning, when I first started my journey into D/s (Dominance and submission) my submission came so easily. Love makes that harder, but it was still won by him yesterday. I am excited because I know I have a long way to go until I am “retrained” by him. I want that more than anything. It will be hard. But before he left later that night, I promised that I wouldn’t text him first anymore. I would wait for him to text me. That pleased him. Now I have to find the strength of character to obey his wishes.