My Emotional Sadist

About 11 months ago I started slowly building healthy habits and trying to get into shape. Charlie has always been attracted to me no matter what my size. At my higher weight I have big, round breasts and a lot of extra padding on my butt. Now, I am getting closer to my goal of being at a lower weight and I know from experience that I lose a lot of my curves AKA zero cleavage, barely any hips, and a flat ass. This time around, I have really gotten into body building so it’s not as bad. Sticking with a workout and eating plan has taken a lot of hard work and discipline and Charlie has not only been impressed with my determination, but has been a key player in keeping me motivated through positive and negative reinforcements. Every time he visits he checks in with me about how my fitness is going. If I have been going to the gym, he tells me I am doing great and before he leaves he tells me to keep going. If I report eating something unhealthy, he scolds me. Some people might not want their partner to give so much input, but I do. I am a submissive and I respond well to this type of conditioning.  Charlie visited me on Monday and I was still sick. I told him I was to sick to go to the gym. He said if it were him he would go anyways and sweat it out. But I knew I needed self care, so Tuesday and Wednesday, I still did yoga at home instead. Hey, I was still sweating.

Wednesday, Charlie told me he would see me soon, maybe tomorrow. Thursday morning I did not want to go to the gym, even though I was feeling better. After all I had a good excuse: self-care, healing, and recovery. Or did I just not want to go? Sometimes I can’t tell. Luckily, I thought about the possibility of Charlie visiting me later that day and asking me if I had gone to the gym. Of course I wanted to be able to say yes. So, I got my butt in gear.  If you read other submissives’ blogs this could be an example of what they mean when they say: my Dom is so nurturing and caring, he helps me be a better person, and overcome my obstacles. And Charlie is those things for me, but he is also an emotional sadist.

Sadists like to hurt others. They get pleasure out of it. Lucky for them, there are masochists who enjoy being hurt. Usually, in regards to BDSM, sadism refers to the desire to physically inflict pain on another. I happen to be one of those masochists that enjoys emotional play as well AKA head games. Charlie knows this about me, we have negotiated it in our relationship, and I find it to be a turn-on. However, sometimes, just like a particular lick of the whip in a sensitive place, his head games can sting more than anticipated. I bet you are wondering what this has to do with the gym and my fitness goals, aren’t you?

Well, yesterday he did come to visit me. I had gone to the gym. Yay, Me! I had also forgotten my belt and changed at the gym for work. My pants were REALLY saggy, something I know Charlie doesn’t enjoy. When I commented on it, he replied, “I noticed, your ass is barely there now.”My heart sunk a little. After all, I do a lot of squats. I can squat 10 reps at 100lbs. And I do deadlifts, bulgarian split squats, lunges and other torturous lifts regularly. I try to deflect him. When all else fails blame it on your whiteness, right? “It’s genetics,” I claim. He is too good. He isn’t buying it and replies with,”Oh really, does your sister have a flat ass? I can’t remember. ” No, she doesn’t. I frown. And this morning at the gym I lamented my skinny ass, imagined all the work it would take to build muscle there, and affectionately kept my emotional sadist at the forefront of my mind.

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