I have a preoccupied anxious attachment style in romantic relationships. Which is a psych geek’s way of saying I am needy and insecure. I have been doing a lot of reading and writing on this and trying to stay focused on it in therapy. Because it takes years to change patterns instilled from infancy. It can also portray itself as symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. I experience swings between infatuation and idolization of my partner to deep dissatisfaction and demonization of my partner.I also struggle with black and white thinking. I try to find a gray area between viewing him as the perfect partner for me, who I will always love him and him as the worst possible partner for me who I have to leave. It’s hard.
Today I hate him, he is a horrible person. His actions would be intolerable to the most sensible of people, much less me. I try to rationalize with my emotional self. I tell myself that it is true he sucks at giving me the attention I crave, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I remind myself that ignoring him or lashing out at him will not give me the results I really want, which are for him to give me attention. My attachment anxiety grows inside me like a weed. It starts out small but in time feelks unbearable. I obsess. I keep a score chart in my head: 2 days only two texts to check in with me, 3 days and a shitty 5 minute phone call which invalidated my needs, and, today,the score is 4 days without seeing him, a 5 minute phone call, and a text per day. It feels unacceptable. I have come to the breaking point. I cannot make it four days without his love and affection.
I woke up this morning with so much anger, so much hatred, ans so much blame. My rational brain tells me he loves me and is thinking of me and has good reason. My emotional side screams: You mean nothing to him, he doesn’t care! He doesn’t take you seriously. He is pushing you away. He is abusive. He will never change. How could you believe again that he would change. What the fuck is wrong with you, Gracie? And I begin plotting my revenge. How when he texts me today, I won’t reply. I have plans to meet someone new and I am sure that this new person will finally be someone worthy of replacing him. I will break our rule that I can’t text him and tell him I am disappointed. No. That he is hurting me. I will tell him he is failing me. No. I can’t tell him I hate him. I promised I wouldn’t anymore. Ok. I will ignore him like he ignores me. Maybe that will make him miss me. I want to make him regret his choices. I want him to feel bad.
I just want him to love me and take care of me.
I try to tell myself all the things he told me. About being patient. About how he can’t give me everything right now, but he wants to. Someday he will. I picture him in my mind. I try to imagine he is thinking of me. I picture him saying “I will give you all the time I have to give.” I wish I could dump this anxiety out of my head, stop the dull ache it makes in my chest, know he loves me and not need the reassurance. But I can’t. So, I am writing it here. And I can call it what it is attachment anxiety or primal panic.