Contentment is Elusive

I have had a few days in a row now where I feel genuinely content and satisfied. It is amazing. I love being happy. When my friends text me and ask me how I am and I say I am doing good, really good, or even great, I get excited. I wonder if they notice that  I usually don’t say that. I usually say I am okay, alright, struggling, having a tough time, or even horrible. And then I go on to tell them what stressful thing in my life is causing this. And when I do so I acknowledge to myself that more often than not there is some stressful thing that is making me feel bad, sad, anxious, or mad. Almost every time, anyone who cares asks this happens. Then I wonder how exhausting it must be to be friends with me.

I have anxiety and depression, but not the major, ruin your life for 6 months then go away kind. I have the chronic low level kind that never goes away. I am grateful that I don’t have debilitating depression. Instead of not being able to get out of bed and face my day, I just don’t like getting out of bed. I have to talk myself into it. Then, the fact that I had to get out of bed is my least favorite part of the day. Which is why whenever I have more than two happy days in a row, I try to prepare myself for the end of my happy days. Experience tells me it never lasts. I don’t want my happiness to go away! I love my boyfriend right now. I love my lifestyle. I love my choices. I love how healthy I am, physically. And how it doesn’t feel as hard to do everything, mentally.  I want it to be like this all the time. I used to think people who don’t have depression were happy all the time. Now I know even mentally healthy people have ups and downs. So, I can say I wish I was happy 50% of the time. Content with my life half the time. I wish I loved myself more or less. But, usually I only feel this way for a few days. These periods in my life come sporadically. I never know why it started or when it will end or when the next one will be.

I want this time to be different. I want to stay generally happy. I want it to be because I finally stopped seeing my mom. Because, I am finally with a man I love deeply and things are going well. If there were some trigger for the happiness, some reason, maybe I could keep it going. Is it because I exercise 5 days a week now? Is it because the period from hell finally went away? Is it because my son is doing well on his meds?  Is it because I am blogging? Is it because I am opening more and more to being poly? Has that led to a higher acceptance of myself that has led to enduring contentment?

Please happiness stay. Please, please happiness don’t go away.


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