Condoms: On Being an Assertive Submissive in BDSM

Being a submissive is not just about obedience. Newbie subs who haven’t learned this become targets for abuse. Blindly doing what your told by dominant males is a recipe for disaster. When I first joined the fetish community, I was a submissive doormat. Any man with the ability to dick me down well could have his way with me. Anal? Raw? Ass to Mouth? They could do anything. I wasn’t going to speak up if I didn’t like it. I have always had a submissive personality in relationships and in the bedroom. I hate conflict, suck at being assertive, and just want everyone to be happy with me. It opened me up for a lot of emotional abuse in the vanilla world. But the stakes are even higher in BDSM. The fetish community and Sir both taught me that communication, self- awareness, and having boundaries are vital for submissives.

Self- awareness is easy. I have my list of likes dislikes, soft limits hard limits, I can negotiate a scene, communicate my needs through out the scene (I prefer moans as communication, but I have gotten better at saying yellow).  When it comes to sex communication is tougher, but I keep practicing. I can clearly state to men long before we engage in sexual acts that anal is a hard limit. It’s not happening. I don’t like it. But when it comes to condoms, I am still a total pushover. Most of the men I have slept with in my life have not used condoms. So even though more than one therapist has told me that having unprotected sex is risk-taking behavior, self-abuse, etc. I have never really gotten the hang of it. They feel foreign to me. I like it better without one. I don’t care what the consequences are.

Unfortunately, that attitude doesn’t blend well with polyamory or D/s. My Dominant is also my romantic partner and he wants me to wear condoms with other partners for several rational, practical, and emotional reasons. He wants me to be safe. He wants me to be healthy. He wants to be the only one who gets me that way. These are my easy to follow rules/guidelines for sex with other partners. Use a condom. Don’t let them cum inside me. No anal sex. Pretty Basic. But, I can’t seem to follow the condom one. No matter how hard I try.

I tried thinking of Sir’s floggers in my closet, when I was tempted to let a lover take the condom off. I tried telling them before hand that it was an absolute hard line necessity. I tried reading articles with suggestions of things to say to partners who pressure you not to use condoms. I tried following the suggestions in the articles. I said “No” and “You have to put on a condom”. Sir has tried things too. Last time I broke the rule, the 23 year old was put on restriction from fucking me. As soon as we fucked again, he talked me into letting him take the condom off. I know Sir is disappointed in me. And I feel like a bad submissive. He says it’s not a submissive thing. He says it’s a girlfriend thing. Either way, whether I wasn’t a good submissive or I wasn’t a good girlfriend, I require punishment.