Attention Deficit Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Substance Dependence Disorder. What do all these things have in common? They are all mental disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) that I have met the criteria for at some point in my life and all have symptoms listed in the criteria relating to lack of self-control or impulsivity. New studies of ADHD have shown that some parts of the ADHD sufferers brain are minutely smaller than non-sufferers. One of those areas of the brain is the amygdala which is where emotion processing occurs. This is thought to lead to lack of impulse control. I am blessed to have received treatment for all of these disorders. My Borderline and Substance Dependence are both in remission. And I take meds that help with the ADD. However, I still have trouble controlling impulses. My emotions, whether good are bad, come up so quickly, it has taken a lot of practice to pause and process before acting on them.
For example, this morning I woke up with the urge to plan travels for my son. In the past when I have had this urge, I would get up and start researching vacation plans on the internet. I would spend every free hour of the next day or several days doing so, before either coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t doable, cost too much, or I simply didn’t want to anymore. This morning I noticed the urge, noted that I don’t have any vacation time for another month or so, and reminded myself that I am saving money. That was at 5 am.
I got up, got on my computer and checked my social networking sites instead. I found an interesting post on FetLife in our local community group. Sir Such-and-such had posted that he was planning on returning to the local community, had missed and loved us all, and would like to know the current state of said community. I checked his profile noted that I had affectionate feelings toward him, but he was no longer on my friends list. I remembered an incident I had had with his partner and him that had caused conflict with my Dom a few years back. I returned to the post and began resisting the urge to comment in the feed.
We live in a small town. It’s the perfect size for me. It’s not so small that everyone knows me and my business. But it’s not so large that I get caught up in a sea of strangers with no one to keep me anchored or accountable. However, when the small demographic of kinksters who actively attend local events is sliced out of our town’s population, I very much get that small town feel: stale. When newbies around here begin to envision what a kink party entails. They might imagine sexy, young women scantily clad, pouncing around tall, dark, and handsome Doms while occasionally getting spanked and fucked. The reality, however, is lots of old men sitting around geeking out about ropes, needles, and floggers while they plot which overweight, middle aged bottom will be their next victim. Ok, there’s more to it than that but you get the general idea.
I am back together with Sir, unofficially and we have been attending parties together which is really exciting for me. He is my old Dom as well and in the two years since I was his submissive until I recently started publicly bottoming for him again, I could be seen in the community attending parties solo or submitting to the most recent semi-Dominant type that had caught my eye. I had become a submission slut to anyone with the snobbish D/s standards that submission is earned over time through trust. Refer to my intro on impulsivity and combine that with the impatience and quick to boredom traits of ADD sufferers. So, when I read Sir Such-and-such’s post, my initial impulse was to say the community is thriving, we are all thriving. It is so great! But in truth, I am thriving in my submission. The community hasn’t really changed much.
My next impulse was to make a crass comment about the stale state of our crippled community out feelings of comradery for this man. Resisting the impulse, I took some time to go over all that had occurred in our local community since he had been around. One of the top players in the community was exposed as a predator and consent violator. He had his hand slapped virtually and was now teaching newbies again. There had been several failed attempts to start a meaningful group of people into protocol. All attempts had been lackluster and I had recently quit the latest group, due to it’s failure to find any sense of focus or solidarity. We did have a new group of hosts that had set up very solid guidelines for safety at their hosted parties, which was good. Essentially, not much had changed.
The two main reasons I found that helped me resist the urge to reply were my dedication to protocol and the memory of our small conflict. Sir would comment on the post if he felt there was something noteworthy to say. It would be more appropriate for him to post publicly on a Dom’s post, than it would be for me to do so. Another thing important to know about my community and my Sir are that the community is mostly anarchist and my Sir is from a larger city where protocol, tradition, and training are highly valued. When I was new to D/s and under Sir’s training, Sir Such-and-such allowed me to kiss his boots when Sir had left me free to roam the party. When Sir found out he was not pleased. I learned a valuable lesson that night. That it was disrespectful to Sir to submit or display submissive behavior toward another Dom.
Unfortunately, I am not a always a quick learner. Fast forward to a party Sir had allowed me to attend without him. This same Dom was there with his partner who is also a Dominant. His partner began giving me orders simply because I had chosen a spot on the floor near her feet. I automatically slipped into submissive mode and rushed to follow them. Sir’s friend was nearby and reported the incident to him. He was not pleased and messaged them both that it was disrespectful and inappropriate to order his submissive around. Clearly, I had been drawn to these people. I love dominant, dark individuals. However, I must trust Sir when he shows judgement. Sir helps me make better decisions about who I include in my life.
Still, for some reason I kept getting the urge to reply at least a “Welcome back!” comment on his post. I managed to resist the impulse and I am proud of myself. I have been getting in a lot of trouble lately and though it is a small accomplishment, I hope Sir will be proud as well. As his submissive I represent him at all times. My behavior in the community reflects on him. I am a strong, independent woman. I am a survivor. I have done a lot of work on myself and when I need to rely on someone else, I rely on Sir. The more I can control my impulses, no matter how small, the better my life and my relationships will be.