I am growing in acceptance of myself as a polyamorous woman. Although Sir still worries that I will struggle with it when he starts dating another woman again. I had way too much time to ponder things this week since I was home sick. One morning I started listening to podcasts about healing attachment trauma. My adult attachment style is anxious/preoccupied. Which means that I am ever diligent in looking for signs that my partners may be losing interest, upset, or ultimately, are going to abandon me. Unfortunately I seem to be attracted to men with avoidant attachment styles. Which means they keep me only as close as necessary to keep me around but push me away whenever I try to pull them closer. While I would do better in relationships where I get a lot of reassurance, both my boyfriends tend to be emotionally unavailable.
One of the podcasts I listened to was talking about families that don’t communicate on an intimate level. They rely on a fantasy bond that was formed in the past through intimate exchanges, but for the most part go through the motions of a relationship. I decided I didn’t want my relationships to be like that and I needed to talk with both my boyfriends about some things I had been feeling recently. I messaged them both asking if we could talk.
Usually I just sit around sulking. With Sir, I tell him everything, but have been holding back about my feelings of not getting enough attention and reassurance as I would like. Don’t get me wrong, my version of holding back is far from total silence on the matter. With BF #2 I have backed way off. I don’t feel like a priority to him. We went from passionate new relationship energy, to a tumultuous break-up, to admitting we love each other without speaking the words directly. This all occurred in a span of a few months. Lately I only see him once every two weeks or so. Our relationship feels much more fragile to me than Sir and I’s.
The feelings I needed to share with both of them were some minor twinges of jealousy. BF #2 just started dating one of Sir’s new bottoms and she has been posting about him on social media quite a bit. And Sir responded to two new female submissives this week alone offering friendship and guidance. I saw all of this at once one evening and reacted with feeling unloved. This weekend I had the opportunity to talk with them both. The hardest thing for me to say as a newish poly person is that I am feeling jealous. When I say it, I feel like I am failing somehow. I know that everyone feels jealousy, that not everyone has compersion all the time. But I am trying so hard to grow and become the person I want to be. I want to be open, loving, and, most of all, secure in myself and what I mean to my lovers. So when I feel jealous, it feels like evidence that I am insecure and needy. Like either of them need more evidence of that.
It is harder for me to communicate with BF #2, probably because we haven’t spent as much time together as Sir and I have. And I feel more worried that I will overwhelm him and he will leave. But I think we both ended up getting the gist of what the other was trying to say. I think our relationship is stronger for it. He said just because someone else is special to him or having special times with him, that doesn’t make me less special to him. He also said since I talked with him about it, he trusts me more now to not freak out and do something crazy if I feel that way. It feels good to earn some trust.
With Sir, I not only shared feeling jealous, but how hard it is for me to be patient that he doesn’t have time for me right now. He is still living with his ex-girlfriend and she hates me. He doesn’t want to tell her we are together because he says she will make his life a living hell. It really really upsets me and it will be at least another month before he moves out. It feels like I only get to see him twice a week, but he pointed out that I saw him three times last week. The hardest part is not being able to text him throughout the day. I want to know he is thinking about me and cares about how my day is going. Otherwise I feel like he doesn’t love me.
I knew talking to him wouldn’t change anything, but I needed him to know how miserable I was feeling. He promised he would text me more and he took off my restriction that I can’t text him unless he texts me. I felt a lot better the next day and even went and spent time with him at his work with my son. Then he surprised me by coming to see me that night! He was really affectionate and cuddly. I told myself to just enjoy it while it lasts. Sometimes Sir gets that way, but it usually isn’t very often or for very long.
To top everything off, my two boyfriends met for drinks this weekend. This is the first time and was initiated by BF #2. I had nothing to do with it, but I was relieved. I was starting to think they didn’t like each other. Of course this doesn’t mean that they will like each other, but at least it’s a step forward.
One evening I referred to them both as my boyfriend in separate comments within a small time frame to my 7 year old son. He asked, “Wait, you have two boyfriends?” Yes. Yes I do. While I still feel awkward talking about it with acquaintances, how to reference them, etc. I am feeling a bit more confident in my ability to be this woman I have become. I can learn to love two men. I can learn to have compersion when they have other lovers. I can communicate my authentic feelings to them both and be intimate in trusting relationships. I can represent my true self to the world, when it’s safe. I can’t do it perfectly, but I can be polyamorous.