That time a year ago that you suspended me was one of the most memorable rope scenes I have ever done. I craved more. I haven’t stopped, but you haven’t suspended me again since. Last week you told me you don’t remember how to tie the simplest knot.
You have put me into baby girl mode so many times and when you do I want to do anything and everything for you.
You have kicked over into primal mode many times when you were fucking me, grabbing, jerking, squeezing me.
But, you have never topped me in an impact scene. You say you did once in your bedroom, not long after that rope suspension. I don’t remember it. When I told you I didn’t remember you said it injured your pride.
We started dating again in the fall. It is almost Spring now. I had written you off as not that kinky or at least not with me. It wasn’t a judgement. That’s just what I say when a boyfriend doesn’t physically hurt me enough or at least tie me up.
Last time I saw you, you asked me if you could do a scene with me while your new love interest was tied to a chair. You said you wanted to do it at the next community play party. I was nervous but I said yes. Because I love you. Because I want to have that connection with you. Because even though you aren’t really my Dom, I can only have one and that is Sir, I still want to please you. I thought, “how bad could he hurt me anyways.” Because you never have, unless you count the rope that suspended me digging into my flesh as gravity pulled the rest of me down.
I told you I was okay with it, but asked you to check with Sir. In case he had plans for me too. I was surprised to find out you asked him to help you, that you planned on both of us being your bottoms. I thought she was just going to be tied to the chair, watching. I thought she would only be toyed with emotionally.
I have been topped in impact scenes with tops who haven’t earned my trust more times than I should have. Most of the time I got lucky and I didn’t get hurt any more than I wanted to. A couple of times though, I did. I didn’t use my safe word. I tried to endure it the best I could and it damaged me emotionally.
I didn’t want to tell you I changed my mind. I didn’t want to tell you that I wanted to practice more one on one first and work on building more trust between us. I didn’t want to tell you I don’t trust you enough yet. But, you couldn’t even tell me what you had in mind. You wanted me to put myself on the line for her. For her. You never asked for this before. That weakened my trust too. I have to admit.
After I told you, you were grumpy. You had to go. Was it for work or because you were too upset to talk more? I told you I loved you even though I rarely do. You are probably smart enough to realize I was trying to lighten the blow. But I do love you, just not enough to let you beat me and your other girlfriend at the same time in front of everyone when I haven’t even seen you top before. That I could tell you that has shown how much I have grown.