Torturous Pleasure: A contradiction in BDSM

For the first time in a long time, I took a beating so hard that it left me in pain for days. I have been anticipating this and wondering for some time if it would still be what I wanted. I am ever growing and evolving in my knowledge of self. After my initial pink cloud of beatings and my first run in with Sir, all of which lasted a couple years, I took a huge step back. I pandered my masochistic desires with harmless amateurs, ill equipped to leave a mark at all, much less weeks long bruises.

Yet, I found myself with Sir again. He has a Dominance over me that makes me want to satisfy his every sadistic whim. And here I am, two and a half days from Saturday, in fear of sitting down. Sir said that’s why I love him, which begs the question: Do I love him because he hurts me or do I let him hurt me because I love him? Or are these types of things that can’t be separated out?

Regardless, as I slowly come down from that evenings intense high I find myself with emotions and thoughts at odds with themselves. He scares me. I don’t want to hurt like this again. Yet, I can find no wrong with him because he gave me such a beautiful gift: our scene. I would turn faster on a man who gave me 10,000 orgasms when I forgot my gratitude for them. How can I feel these two things at the same time. I feel cautious and insecure about my abilities to satiate his sadism. I also feel indebted to him for giving me such a delicious beating. For loving me. For wanting me. For letting me in. I can’t wait until the next time I crumple into his arms in ecstatic surrender. Yet, I also dread it.

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