Drop Stream of Consciousness

It’s white outside from the clouds. They are so thick and white that barely anything has any depth of color. There is only a dull throb left when I sit, right where my sitz bones press through. I am overjoyed to have got through the worst of the pain from my scene Saturday night, but for some reason I am angry at Sir. I don’t know why. It has been a long slow drop the last few days. I haven’t seen Sir since Sunday evening and he won’t tell me when i will see him again. He is doing this thing where if he doesn’t want to answer he just pretends I didn’t ask. It drives me crazy. It makes me paranoid. I want to feel connected with him, but he won’t tell me anything about his day or his feelings. it makes me paranoid. My heart is pounding just writing it because I know it’s about her. His ex. The one I hate, the one he still lives with. The one who’s existence instigated the crumbling of our relationship and a slow slow rebuilding into something new. He still lives with her and that impacts our relationship. I hate that I wonder if he is lying about fucking her. I know that makes me sound crazy and paranoid and maybe even abusive. So I don’t tell him. I don’t want to trigger him and have him pull away more. I don’t know what to do, other than give him space and wait until he wants me again. I am so so horny. I haven’t had a really good fucking session in forever and it is messing with my head.  I just want someone to fuck me hard and make me cum over and over and over, until I can’t cum anymore, until I don’t want them to fuck me any longer and beg them to cum. BF #2 is sick. Sir is busy. I can never fuck the 23 yr old again. Alan would want to beat me too and I have had enough beatings. An old friend keeps hitting me up, but Sir also told me not to play with him. And even if I did find someone new to fuck, what if they didn’t want to wear a condom? I can’t even trust myself. Sir said if it happens again, he won’t trust me anymore and that would break my heart. Even though I don’t always trust him, or else, why would I think the reason he hasn’t fucked me good and long recently is because he is doing it with someone else. The only person he has reason to hide it from me for, is her, his ex. He would lie to protect me from hurting and himself from my anger. That’s the kind of liar he is. BF #2 has the link for my blog now. He read a few of the things about him. Gladly nothing offended him. I feel vulnerable. For me vulnerability isn’t difficult sexually or physically, but emotionally. Last time I told Sir I was scared of getting closer, he teased me. He said how can we get any closer. Either he doesn’t understand that there is a closer, is scared of it too, or thinks I am already there. I am not. Even if it seems I am bearing my heart and soul to you. I trust you with everything I have. It’s not true. I have so many layers of protection. I have built walls upon walls upon walls. How long will it take for someone to truly see me? I told my mother I don’t trust her enough to have a relationship with her. My therapist said if I could be honest with BF #2 when I knew it would upset him, i could do the same with my mother. It was harder, a lot harder. I imagine her weeping and that is all my fault and I hate myself for it. But I told her anyways and I was strong. She said she is sorry for hurting me. How can I explain that sorry will never be enough? How can I get her to understand that I am sorry for hurting her too. That I stopped trusting her when she was the crazy, unpredictable screaming mom. Now I have to try so hard not to be that same crazy person to the ones I love. I didn’t do so well last night. I managed not to lose it on BF #2 for no reason, but I did a little with Sir. Because I know he is more tolerant. It may hurt him when I am paranoid and demanding, but he won’t leave me for it. I miss him so bad, but at the same time I don’t want him because he disappoints me. And what if he did give me all the time and attention I wanted from him? Would that make me not want it anymore? Am i even capable of really, truly loving someone. At least the way most people do? Sir said I know you love me and people tell me you do all the time. What people, Sir? He names a couple and I blush. Because I know they would and have seen the pain and turmoil my love for him has caused. One of them is BF #2. I have mixed feelings about this. I am polyamorous and have practiced honesty. I have been slowly letting him through layers too, letting him see how important Sir is to me. It takes a lot of trust to let someone you love know how much you love someone else a similar way. When we were both taught you are only supposed to love one person that way. BF #2 said he feels lucky, that we are all so lucky to have each other. And I think he is right. I think we are. But Sir’s ex that I hate. I am not lucky to have her. I am lucky for the lessons she has taught me by being in my life. But I don’t feel lucky to have her in my life. Not. One. Bit.

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