More Panic

So I had another panic attack, yesterday. No matter how hard I tried to handle it. I became increasingly agitated once I discovered Sir wouldn’t be coming to see me. I was quite angry and irrational. My son was too when I picked him up, so we were quite the pair. As we were running in late to jui-jitsu practice I got a call from his psychiatrist’s office canceling his appointment…again. I would like to say I didn’t yell at them, but I can’t. When I get panicky I lose the ability to focus and feel waves of cortisol pumping into my chest. I told Sir since he was so busy moving and dealing with his life he could just take the next three weeks off from me. I didn’t mean it and I don’t know why I said it. Well, he thought it was a great idea and had no problem with it. That’s when I totally lost it. Luckily I had already taken my Ativan and only needed to wait for it to kick in. I told him, since he was willing to give up on our relationship so easily, I might as well make it interesting. Which he knew exactly what  I meant and that it was a threat. In that moment I fully intended to go to his place and talk to him and his ex-girlfriend. Of course he knew that and intercepted by agreeing to come to me. I hate having this illness. I don’t want to be abusive to the people I love. I don’t want to lose control. I wish I didn’t have to take benzo-diazepams to keep me from hurting myself and others. And even with their help I still make an ass of myself. Now things aren’t any better, and Sir is hurt that I threatened him. I hope things get easier soon and this anxiety dies down a bit. I agreed to visit my mom for her birthday. So, hopefully that will ease some of the guilt I have been feeling and I talked to an alternate psychiatrist today, who is prescribing my son the last med he was on that I liked better just back at the lower dose so he can still get a good night’s sleep. I am so relieved to have him stopping the new anti-depressant he has been on. It was miserable watching him get increasingly anxious, irritable, and defiant. Somehow I have to make it through this transition in Sir and I’s relationship. In two and a half weeks, he won’t be living with his ex who hates me anymore and we have talked about our relationship deepening. Part of me wants it now and partof me is scared to death of the change.

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