Embrace My Little

I have the work ethic of a school age child and the attitude of a teenager. When it comes to work, I will do as little as  I can get away with. If I don’t agree with the rules or policies, I will try to find a way around them without getting caught. This combined with my anxiety often makes keeping a steady job difficult. Right now I am a study hall supervisor. This position is perfect for me. It’s low key and demands only small amounts of responsibility. Apparently, I have managed to mess even that up.

When I was told the principle wanted to meet with me. The first thing I did was stop doing all the things I could possibly be in trouble for: blogging about sex on the school server, letting the kids leave class early, coming to work late and leaving early, etc. Sir asked me, “If you know your not supposed to do it, then why do you?” Sir doesn’t always understand my little. Probably because he doesn’t like littles. I do it because I hate rules and I want to do everything my way, Okay!

This is problematic when I am expected to: parent, get teenagers to follow rules, do any adulting in general. Case in point, at the county park while hiking with my son, he stated, “We don’t follow rules! Right, Mom?” Somehow at some point, I had accidentally vocalized my spite for authority and rebellious nature to the very being who I was trying to teach to obey MY authority.

I had my meeting with the principle and I wasn’t in trouble for anything…that they would say. But I got very sad news that I would not be at the same school next year. He said I didn’t do anything wrong it was just…blah, blah, blah. I spent the rest of the day trying not to cry. Anything that feels like rejection is a trigger for me. It feels like more proof that I am a fuck up, a failure and always will be. It was like I received a notice in the mail. Dear Gracie, in case you forgot. This is just a reminder. Things will never be easy for you!

Of course, I wanted Sir to be there for me. Of course he wasn’t. I would like to say I responded in a mature healthy way, but I am a little. So….Nope! After  I was done yelling (texting) at Sir for letting me down. I switched over to Daddy (BF #2). He didn’t even know about my disappointing news. He asked me if I wanted to break up, which I didn’t. So I figured I better tell him why I was so upset. When I did, he called me and I cried and cried. He said I better come over and spend the night. When I got there he had a blue stuffed frog  with long tie-dye legs and arms and a belly that had “I am proud of you” embroidered on it and a bag of gummy cherries called “happy cherries.” That cheered me up a lot and then I got to cuddle in his arms and play with the kids late into the night and sleep with Daddy. I told him Sir would be better off if he embraced my little so that he would know if I was angry at him all he had to do was buy me a stuffie and some candy and I wouldn’t hate him anymore.

I was sooooo angry at Sir and so fed up. I decided it wasn’t fair of him to always be controlling me (with who and how I have sex) if he wasn’t going to be there enough for me. I decided I wasn’t going to listen to him anymore. In retrospect I see that this was childish thinking and even more childish when I decided I wasn’t going to use a condom with Daddy. But I was so mad at Sir, when I did it. I was trying so hard not to think about Sir at all or how mad it would make him. Because I didn’t want to admit that part of me wanted to hurt him by disobeying.

The next night Sir promised to spend 4 or 5 hours with me (even if I did have to throw a temper tantrum). He says that was the plan all along but I don’t know. I was tired of being mad and so happy to see him I just wanted to cuddle in his lap and not fight. But I had to tell him what I did. I tried to make it his fault for being so controlling and not being there for me. But he wasn’t buying it. “You want me to make those decisions for you, because you know when you want do those things that it’s a bad idea.” I kinda knew he was right, but that spoiled it for me and made it harder to be in trouble. “It’s not blah blah blah that makes me upset it’s the disrespect,” he said. “Well I didn’t respect you when I did it,” I honestly replied. Sir took me in my room and laid me over his lap and spanked me hard and cold. But it wasn’t for not wearing a condom, it was for thinking he doesn’t care about me. “You want to get in trouble,” he said. I swore I didn’t, but he didn’t believe me and Daddy has said the same thing. It doesn’t feel like I get in trouble on purpose, maybe subconsciously. I just want to be bad when I am hurt or angry.

Later after we had made love for a long time, as he still slid in and out of me and looked me in the eyes, he started asking me about Daddy. Did I like it when I felt him inside me? Did I want to feel Daddy’s cum dripping down my leg? Did I want Daddy to cum inside me? I told him I loved Daddy too and wanted to feel him inside me and feel his cum dripping down my leg, but I wasn’t sure about him cumming inside me? Sir didn’t believe me. So he kept asking as he fucked me.

I still struggle with the idea of belonging to two men. Like really belonging, being fluid-bonded to them both. I guess I still struggle with being in love with two men, because even though I get so angry at Daddy for not wanting me that way, I think I also keep myself from being “in love” with him because it’s scary: the thought of being “in love” with more than one man. Sir asked me if I felt guilty for not wearing a condom with Daddy. I did. He said he didn’t want me to feel guilty, so he would allow me to not wear a condom with Daddy from now on. Yay! I was so excited! And he said if I wanted it was okay for Daddy to cum inside me too. Sir said he didn’t like to be caged and he didn’t want me to feel like I was either.  That made me love him even more. And I haven’t been mad at Sir since, so I guess somehow he finds a way to make me not hate him, even if it isn’t with stuffies and candy.  It’s hard enough letting Sir close, now I have to figure out how to let Daddy close too. Because I do love them both. Daddy loves my little. I wish Sir would embrace her a little more, because she isn’t going to go away.

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