I hate that I am writing this right now. I always wanted to be both. Why can’t I be both? First and foremost, I have much more experience playing a submissive role than a girlfriend role. Being a submissive requires an energy connection, but nowhere near the intimacy and vulnerability that being a girlfriend does. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS OBEY ORDERS. Oh and negotiate which orders I will obey and hopefully take a beating or a lesson every now and then. Easy peasy. This girlfriend shit on the other hand? It might as well be Quantum Physics. So far as I can tell being a girlfriend involves a lot of empathy, diplomacy, and rational thinking. I am okay with the empathy, unless you are my boyfriend and your not giving me what I want.
Sir said he was willing to try blending the roles, despite his past experience and belief that it wasn’t helpful or maybe even possible. So far he has failed miserably. He is my boyfriend not my Dom. I try so hard to control things to get it the way I want, but right now I give up trying. I surrender. I am freaking exhausted with demanding, plotting, planning, explaining my feelings, etc. I quit. If he still wants me to be his girlfriend, I will just be his girlfriend. But I don’t like it.
Being a girlfriend is not about obeying. I can assert my opinions disrespectfully and then be told that it’s understanding how I feel that way. I wasn’t interrupted, my hair wasn’t grabbed in order to ensure eye contact, and I was not firmly scolded and corrected.
Apparently when you complain to your boyfriend that he is being too controlling and he is also your Dom, he decides you trumped the submissive card with the girlfriend card and he isn’t going to try to control you anymore. Sigh. And I guess it makes sense. I read blogs about wives who do D/s with their husbands and I feel jealous. But, it seems they were wives first, not subs. And clearly I don’t have much experience with this type of partnership. Oh he is moving and it is taking up a lot of time? As his partner I should support him in the stressful transition rather than complain about how it affects me. Okay, Okay. I said it: “I love you and miss you and I know you are working hard to get through this move so we can have time together.” My sponsor said she thought it would help me feel better about myself to say that. It doesn’t feel like it. I feel entitled to his time. I want to hear from him everyday and see him multiple times a week. If I don’t I feel insecure that I am not loved.
It is hard to imagine that I am loved without physical, tangible evidence: the look in his eyes, the caress of his hand, and the words in my ear.
So, I backed off and numbed out. Numbing out wasn’t part of the plan. It just sort of happened. I am trying not to suck at this girlfriend stuff so much. I miss being his sub. Maybe if I get used to the girlfriend part first then we can go back to trying both.