How did I get 15 years behind? I am trying to find the positivity, the confidence, and the strength to believe in myself. I need to believe that I can become a teacher with all my heart. I need to invest myself in the risk, the choice, and overcoming the obstacles. But one thing that keeps me in self doubt is the question: how did I get so far behind?
If I get into a program soon I will be done with it by the time I am 40 years old. I will be a green teacher, fresh off the wagon, and silver haired. I am willing to work, go to school part-time, and parent for the next two years. It will be hard, but I believe in myself. I am willing to have my history laid out for the certification board, piece by piece, every criminal mistake I have made. I am willing to prove that I left that history far behind me. I am willing to work harder than I do now when I do become a teacher. But my pride, where my pride really prickles, is needing guidance from other teachers when I am already so old. Will they be willing to help me. If I get past all those obstacles and manage to get a job. Will I be able to learn from others how to be a good teacher?
My mind wanders way back to the day I decided to skip my SAT’s. I wanted to stay up late the night before to party instead. I remember deciding to go to live in the woods in Idaho with my boyfriend instead of going to college. I remember quitting after my first term of college because I wanted to party and live close to my boyfriend instead. But still, I got my fresh start at 24: way earlier than most addicts. There were some obstacles I couldn’t help like having to leave the state for probation on an old charge. I did one semester of school, but the out of state tuition was too high. Then there were ones I could have avoided, like getting pregnant and missing college through my entire pregnancy and the first six months of my son’s life.
It has been 5 years since I got my bachelor’s degree. I have put my son first along the entire way. But I realize if I keep using him as an excuse not to succeed, my whole life will slip away. I want to be able to afford to travel to Europe someday. I want to be able to pay off my school loans and go snowboarding in the winter. I want to be accomplished. I want to succeed. And I want to be a good mom too.
I always have struggled with practicing faith. I have to practice knowing everything will be okay. I have to practice believing something greater out there is watching out for me and has a plan. I have to practice getting quiet and out of the way to hear what that plan is. Now I need to practice having faith in myself. If I can’t believe in myself, how will I accomplish these goals?