How Did I Get So Far Behind?

How did I get 15 years behind? I am trying to find the positivity, the confidence, and the strength to believe in myself. I need to believe that I can become a teacher with all my heart. I need to invest myself in the risk, the choice, and overcoming the obstacles. But one thing that keeps me in self doubt is the question: how did I get so far behind?

If I get into a program soon I will be done with it by the time I am 40 years old. I will be a green teacher, fresh off the wagon, and silver haired. I am willing to work, go to school part-time, and parent for the next two years. It will be hard, but I believe in myself. I am willing to have my history laid out for the certification board, piece by piece, every criminal mistake I have made. I am willing to prove that I left that history far behind me. I am willing to work harder than I do now when I do become a teacher. But my pride, where my pride really prickles, is needing guidance from other teachers when I am already so old. Will they be willing to help me. If I get past all those obstacles and manage to get a job. Will I be able to learn from others how to be a good teacher?

My mind wanders way back to the day I decided to skip my SAT’s. I wanted to stay up late the night before to party instead. I remember deciding to go to live in the woods in Idaho with my boyfriend instead of going to college. I remember quitting after my first term of college because I wanted to party and live close to my boyfriend instead. But still, I got my fresh start at 24: way earlier than most addicts. There were some obstacles I couldn’t help like having to leave the state for probation on an old charge. I did one semester of school, but the out of state tuition was too high. Then there were ones I could have avoided, like getting pregnant and missing college through my entire pregnancy and the first six months of my son’s life.

It has been 5 years since I got my bachelor’s degree. I have put my son first along the entire way. But I realize if I keep using him as an excuse not to succeed, my whole life will slip away. I want to be able to afford to travel to Europe someday. I want to be able to pay off my school loans and go snowboarding in the winter. I want to be accomplished. I want to succeed. And I want to be a good mom too.

I always have struggled with practicing faith. I have to practice knowing everything will be okay. I have to practice believing something greater out there is watching out for me and has a plan. I have to practice getting quiet and out of the way to hear what that plan is. Now I need to practice having faith in myself. If I can’t believe in myself, how will I accomplish these goals?


2 thoughts on “How Did I Get So Far Behind?

  1. As was a green teacher at the age of 39. You know, there are ignorants at every age. You will find your guidance, it doesn’t matter if the others are younger or older, it matters what kind of teacher they are.
    The first year is always the most difficult, for everyone. Young or old. Then it gets better. 🙂
    A student and my professor had once a discussion.
    Professor: What do you do here?
    Student: I’m learning how to be a teacher.
    Professor: You cannot learn that. You are a teacher, or you aren’t.

    Good Luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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