Intimacy is Hard

I am in love with Sir. I have been for years. I have been waiting for years for him to love me in return, in the way I want. Not as his friends or submissive, but as his girlfriend. Now he does and I am resistant to the change. Change scares me. It never feels positive. It always feels terrible. There. More black and white thinking from me.

I decided to try to embrace the change instead of resist it. I made it almost a full week without hating Sir. He is usually either one or the other. The best boyfriend ever, who I love forever and will always want and will do anything to make him happy to make it work. Or the worst boyfriend ever, who hates me and makes me hate myself and doesn’t appreciate me or want me, who I know will never change and never treat me right. But the worst is when I feel both things at the same time and I know I am trapped. I have no choice but to surrender. Last time I felt that way I texted him, “I gave you my soul a long time ago, you took it. I can never get it back. How can you live with yourself? The way you treat it.” He replied, “I treat it the best I know how. But then I am getting used to my best not being good enough.” My heart sank, like it does every time I realize I am still that bitchy, controlling, and self-righteous girl I become in relationships. He adds, “No matter what your my girl and I will always love you.” All I could do was go to sleep and try again in the morning.

When he came over the next day he held me, soothed me, calmed me and I tried not to think about all the nights he wouldn’t be there to do that. Instead I told him the only reason I didn’t break up with him is cause I just bought a mountain bike to go riding with him. Later, I go out on a date with a man I have been crushing on and part of me hopes that this guy, I might love as much as Sir. Only he would treat me better. The reality is that I barely have time, energy, or love to give to Sir, myself, and my son. I am at maximum stretch stress.

All those days and nights when Sir wasn’t with me over the years, I was reading about polyamory. Trying to deal because I knew he loved me while he loved the women who got to be his girlfriend. I learned so much about it so that I could be with him, that it has become my belief in who I want to be.  Yet it is only a theory, because I can barely handle this one thing with Sir getting serious, getting real. How can I truly manage two relationships? Yet in the background, amongst all this angst with Sir over the last few months, was a man who appeared organically in my life. He has a kid like me, he is interesting and fun to talk to. We have similar beliefs about parenting. He is cute. There is energy between us and a connection. He gave me crystals. He sits and talks with me for hours. And I tried not to be weird and crazy because New Guy is going through a lot. But we kept coming together and I kept liking it.

I realized that I had formed a belief system about the type of polyamorous I want to be. And I wasn’t sure if Sir was on the same page. I know he loved me when he loved other women. I know he wants to be able to fuck, beat, and spend time with other women. But I kinda just decided he is polyamorous and that his description (open relationship) was bullshit and then got him to go along.

I told Sir about my crush on New Guy throughout the entire time. I tell him everything. And I told new guy about my polyamorous status way before I flirted to heavily. For years I have tried to make Sir jealous. Usually by fucking other guys (this turns him on so that never worked) or telling him about some new awesome guy I was dating. He NEVER gets jealous, it was infuriating. Because somewhere, I learned that if men get jealous over you, they must love you.

Last night, I found out New Guy has a crush on me too. He might want to date me. So, I told Sir. The man who has kept me to the side all these years, who I finally harassed into making me his number one. He started to worry and say he was scared. He wanted me to promise I wouldn’t get sucked into New Relationship Energy and forget about us like I did that last time with Daddy/BF #2. When that happened Sir was hurt. He was never jealous though. If he was, he never admitted it. But back to last night and New Guy. Sir stubbornly insisted he was giving all the time he had to give and was afraid someone with more time might whisk me away from him. As I write this now it seems obvious what was happening, but I didn’t see it. I was tired. Then he said, “I’m poly sexual… I’m okay with more than one sexual partner. But what you could be presenting is polyamorous: more than one love partner.” My brain was spinning. Part of me felt shocked and angry that he would say that now in this moment after all I had been through, all the women he loved over me. But, part of me knew that he had always seen himself as he had just described. That he had reserved that certain type of love for just one woman at a time. I told him I was tired and angry. I read the text I had sent and it didn’t make any sense. He apologized and responded quite rationally.

And then he texted me this: “I love you too…I must cause I usually never get jealous.” Judge me, if you must but my heart soared. I was elated. I replied, “Squee! You must really love me.”

I like New Guy, but he is new. I want him. I don’t know what to do. Sir wants me to make sure New Guy knows that Sir comes first always in my heart. And he does. But what I have read about polyamory and makes sense to me is that we can’t control our partners feelings or their journey. People love, they connect, and their energies explode together. I can’t ask Sir to promise me he will never meet another woman he loves more than me. No matter how much I want that security, it would be asking him to stifle his own truth, his own spirit, and his own path. And I don’t want him to do that to me.

But Damn, this little girl and even the strongest, female, grown woman part of my spirit feels in over my head!

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