Happy and Excited

I know. I know. It’s not my usual state, but things have been going good lately. It turns out facing my fears can really pay off. One of my fears was that Sir didn’t really love me and would never really be there for me. But  I stayed with him through a lot of shit and waited it out anyways. He really showed me that he can be there for me last weekend, when I had to drive almost 800 miles overnight after work to show up in court on Friday morning. He volunteered to go with me. He got time off work to do it. And, he did nearly all of the driving. I stayed up to keep him company. I was so scared. I have never been one for road trips and I knew this one was going to be challenging for me. I rarely test my ability to go without much sleep. But I did pretty good. And every time I felt anxious or afraid, Sir was right there and just a touch of his arm calmed me and comforted me.

Another thing that was challenging was allowing him to take charge and be able to go with his flow. I can get very tense and rigid to where just the smallest things drive me crazy. I did make sure he locked the door EVERY SINGLE time we left the car. But, by the time I got home I realized I might be happier if I lightened up a bit and didn’t have such black and white thinking. Before, I would lock the car in the driveway when I dropped my kid off at daycare for three minutes. Sir drove slower than me. He stopped for gas more often than me, and is a much less aggressive driver than me. He was very tolerant when I couldn’t resist commenting on it or even doing a little backseat driving.

Since we spent Friday going to court and driving 6 hours through traffic to visit my grandma. I let him be completely in charge of the itinerary for the rest of the trip. It helped visiting his kinky friends in Orange County. Being around “my people” helps put me in that more submissive mode.

So Saturday, Sir took me on my very first mountain biking trail. He helped me pick out a mountain bike, bought a bike rack, brought our bikes, helped me get a really good helmet, and bought me bike gloves and shorts. I agreed to it all mostly because he wanted me to. I was scared to death. I wondered what it would be like, if it would be to hard, or if I would get too scared going downhill. But I was also excited to try something new.

I completed the bike ride, but I wiped out really bad. About a third of the way through the ride, Sir stopped and pointed to a trail that looked scary and steep and bumpy as fuck. He said, “WE can either take this bunny hill trail..” In my head I was thinking how sweet it was that he was using the snowboarding analogy to make it less scary for me. But also, “What the fuck? That doesn’t look like a bunny trail.” He continued, “Or there is another one up around that corner that is more like…what’s below a black diamond?” “A blue triangle,” I replied. I picked the blue triangle because I was having fun and I am a bit competitive. I always try to be tough. He told me there would be a part where it went down hill and then straight back up again. Then he left down the blue triangle. When I got to the difficult part.  I sucked it up and zoomed down. Next thing I remember, I had lost control and my body was slamming into the dirt path. I just laid there. It felt entirely possible that I could have broke my neck.

Sir says that he called up to me, “I heard dirt.” I didn’t know what he said, but I replied with “I am not okay.” And then I laid there waiting for him. He told me I was fine, several times. He told me I did good, several times, as he helped me up. He asked me where it hurt. I pointed to my shoulder, my knee, my head, and my upper thigh. He pointed to my face and said you’re bleeding. He took a pic and showed it to me. Oh yes, my chin did hurt also, I realized. I experienced several feelings through out that time. As I hit the ground, I was simultaneously afraid I had broken something, worried the bike trip would be over so soon, and mad at Sir for letting me crash. I saved those last feelings for later after I processed them. Because, part of me thought they were a bit irrational. As I got back on my bike and continued down the trail, I did tell him he was supposed to be protecting me, to which he agreed was partly true. I could tell he felt bad.

I finished the ten mile mountain biking trail. It was tough going up hills and scary going down them. But I did it. Not only do I have a new experience and a new hobby, but I remember a part of myself I haven’t remembered in a long time. A part of myself that get shoved deeper down from breaking bones, and turning myself in over and over, and becoming a mom, and many other things that happen as we get older. That part of myself is the adventurer, the adrenaline junkie, and the risk taker. I have let my anxiety take too much control and I am so grateful that Sir helped me overcome that a little.

Yes, I did lose it later and yell at him for letting me crash. I was going on barely any sleep and very sore from the pain. Not too mention my vanity was marred by a big scab across my chin. Yes, I did tell my family and friends that it was his fault I crashed. But, I also think I earned some of Sir’s respect for crashing and surviving. I think maybe I passed a test. I went for it on that hill. Even if I didn’t make it. At least I tried. Apparently, this comes with the package when you date an outdoorsy athletic type.

Sir took care of me. Sir took good care of me all weekend. And, he still loves me after going on an emergency road trip with me. I know I love him even more. On the trip home, he said “You love me so much. I don’t think anyone has ever loved me as much as you do..”  And last night, when he held me and we made love, I knew he was right. Because, in his arms with his whole body pressed against mine all I could think over and over again was, “I would throw myself against a mountain for you.” I whispered in his ear, “I would do anything for you.” And he replied, “I know.”

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