Yesterday was Sir’s birthday and, like I have always wanted to happen, he decided he wanted to spend it with me. We woke up together. Went to work together. And I was supposed to pick him up after work. But due to a mishap, that didn’t happen. So, we made plans to meet up later. After he finished some work he needed to do at home. I also missed the new guy I have been dating. I really love spending time with him and we had been spending a lot of time together when Sir was really busy. So, I had him come over while Sir was working.
We had a great time together. He brought his son and our kids played while we chatted. I was making dinner though, so I was a bit preoccupied. I met the new guy at my son’s jui-jitsu class. He is just got out of a long-term monogamous relationship (#divorce) and is new to the idea of polyamory, but seems to be taking to it well. He is still very cynical about his past relationship and relationships in general, but seems to be very into me. He has even said that he would take it as far as I wanted to take it, but he respects my other relationship. Despite, Sir’s encouraging me to date him and his assurance that he is okay with the situation, I still feel guilty for spending time with and being intimate with both of them. I almost felt like hiding it from Sir that I had Andrew over, because it was Sir’s birthday and I didn’t want him to have his feelings hurt. I also felt really bad when it was time to kick Jui-Jitsu Dad out so I could go spend time with Sir.
I love Sir deeply. I trust him to be able to take me, all of me, the true me. I love being with him. I love how he is big, strong, and rugged. I love it when he hurts me just enough to let me know he is in control. I love his kisses and cuddles and caresses. He is smart and he almost always gives me good advice. Jui-Jitsu Dad also has amazing energy, kisses, and cuddles. I feel so good when I am with him, but in a different way. He also gives me good advice and I am so glad he is in my life. He tells me how adorable and amazing I am. He tells me a lot. He is kind, sweet, and soft (and also I just learned a slut). I can see myself getting feelings for him. I am also scared to show him my true self. I want him to keep thinking I am wonderful.
Jui-Jitsu Dad might be a little crazy though. I am not surprised, because I am usually attracted to the wild types.
I get mixed feelings being with two men I care about at the same time. Sometimes when I have been with Sir for a while or am mad at him, I want the new guy. Then when I am with the new guy, I miss Sir. And part of me always feels like I am cheating someone, maybe even myself. In the most sensual moments with Jui-Jitsu Dad, when I am thinking I might have feelings for him, my mind goes to Sir and how much I love him. Even when I am with Sir and having an intensely intimate moment, Jui-Jitsu Dad and my new feelings will pop into my mind. It makes me feel a little conflicted, but also grateful for who I am. I want them both.
Last night, Jui-Jitsu Dad was going on about how he never wants to commit again and how awesome that is. I was like teasingly, “Umm, no I still am trying to lock you down. I like having you come around and I don’t want that to stop.” He said, “Uh-oh. What does that mean?” I said, “Well, I would kinda like to have you as a second boyfriend.” He replied that he was okay with that but had three rules: 1. He won’t pay my bills 2. He won’t move in with me. 3. He won’t marry me. Pshhhhaw. Easy Peasy. I got this.